Let's Drop the Whole JFK Assassination Thing, OK? By a 1960s CIA Operative
Move along, there's nothing to see here.
Dear Reader,
Let me begin with my credentials: I am a former CIA officer. My name, classified. My location, irrelevant. I ran ops for The Agency from the late ‘50s until the early ‘90s. Yes, I will acknowledge that I was in Dallas on that fateful day 59 years ago when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. But I was there on vacation – Dallas is famously beautiful in November.
Any insinuation that I, or any faction of the CIA, was somehow involved with the killing of the 35th President is sorely misguided, and frankly, offensive. This wild speculation is a waste of the public’s time, energy, and focus. So, for those reasons, let’s just dissolve the JFK Records Act that mandates that the remaining, long-delayed assassination-related files be released tomorrow, OK?
There’s no mystery about what happened on 22 November all those years ago. We know who did it. The bastard's name was Lee Harvey Oswald, and he was killed two days after he murdered the President. The epitome of an open-and-shut case.
There are other, more pressing mysteries that deserve your urgent notice. What about UFOs? Bigfoot? The assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.? Actually, scratch that last one. But UFOs...what’s more mind-boggling than the idea of life on other planets? You should reallocate all the attention that you currently spend on JFK’s death into an amateur search for extraterrestrials.
Plus, putting the aura of Camelot to the side, are we even sure that Kennedy was a great President? I'm not. Sure, his death was a tragedy. But his record was so-so, and decades have passed. Let's honor some of the truly brilliant men who have served since JFK’s day, like Former CIA Director George H. W. Bush. Or if it's Presidential assassinations that interest you, how about taking a fresh look at McKinley's? I think we might’ve left a couple stones unturned.
Look, I’ll level with you: If you feel an insatiable need to explore the ins and outs of the JFK investigation, just read the report that the Warren Commission delivered to President Johnson in 1964. It's an under-appreciated, thorough piece of craftsmanship, and you will find all your answers in there.
But isn’t it more fun to not know for certain? To keep the mystery of Kennedy’s death alive? Just think of it as America’s family secret. Plus, if you did somehow get your answers, your smoking gun, your concrete proof, I suspect it'd be a little like the dog catching the car. For a moment, you would be confused, and then you would get hit by a truck, or meet some other swift misfortune.
In conclusion, I plead with the people of this country: let the obsession with the JFK assassination go. No more articles, movies, documentaries, books, or federally-required document releases. It's time to move on.
And while you’re at it, don't poke around Bobby's death too much, either. Let's let sleeping dogs lie.
Sincerely yours,
[Redacted]
P.S. We must also erase all copies of the Zapruder film in order to properly heal from this national tragedy.
Thanks for reading! This is the second of three humor essays I’m going to write before the end of the year. If you liked this one, please subscribe below, and you’ll receive them in your inbox.