In Defense of Youthful Indiscretions by Senior Government Officials: A Humble Plea from J.D. Vance
Boys will be boys. And unelected bureaucrats with sweeping fiscal authority.
My fellow Americans,
We’re a forgiving people. And after President Trump’s LANDSLIDE victory on November 5th, I thought we’d finally buried cancel culture, that hellish relic of the Woke Left’s reign of terror. But here I am, Xing on X (Isn’t X so much better than Twitter? Thanks Elon!!), defending a CHILD’S life from being ruined, all because a few radical liberals can’t take a joke. Come on, guys...that’s not the America I want to live in. My gosh, he’s just a kid! And a senior government official with unprecedented access to your sensitive data. What happened to second chances?
We all do dumb things sometimes, right? I remember seeing this old guy on the subway years ago actually trip up the stairs! He was bleeding and everything. Even now, I’m laughing about it, by myself, in an office that’s almost walking distance to the West Wing, though it’s technically in a windowless basement annex, but that’s by choice, I get shit done down here...anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the old man was a real klutz. Then there was my buddy in college (I went to Yale) who accidentally microwaved a fork. Classic Ivy League education right there, right? What a moron! Hell, I even hit my thumb with a hammer just this morning, building something regular, like a chair. D’oh! Nice going, J.D.
And now we have Marko Elez, a 25 year-old teenager employed by DOGE, publishing (probably hastily) a few thoughts like: “Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool” and “Normalize Indian hate” and “You could not pay me to marry outside of my ethnicity.” Knucklehead stuff, right? We’ve all been there. Welcome to the club, Marko!
Besides, he wrote those things a long time ago...as far back as mid-2024. People change. And just because there’s no evidence of that change or any sort of regret from Marko doesn’t mean it’s not there. I bet he knows he royally screwed up. Lord knows I’ve said things I regret! Remember in 2016, when I suggested that Donald Trump could be America’s Hitler? I don’t even know why those words came out of my mouth in that order. So random. What can I say, right? I was just bein’ a blockhead.
Look: I don’t agree with everything that Marko posted. I think some of it’s funny and insightful, but I’m not gonna tell you which parts. Big picture, I think it’s clear that this “controversy” is mostly a bunch of left-wing BS. For all I know, Marko could’ve tripped over a bucket of water and bumped into his keyboard in an unfortunate and coincidental way. It’s like how Wile E. Coyote’s ACME supplies would blow up in his face or how Elmer Fudd always fell for Bugs Bunny’s disguises. Just nonsense, right? Liberals hate people like Wile E. Coyote and Elmer Fudd because they’re regular, mistake-making dudes, just like me, you, and Marko.
And remember, this is how it starts. First, they come for unelected government operatives who are tinkering with line items in our national budget and expressing hate for an entire race of people, then they come for you and me. That’s sure as hell not the American future I dream of for my kids.
Fortunately, Elon had the common sense to bring Marko back to DOGE. Good. I say it’s time to normalize normalizing this kind of thing. And remember, we’re a nation of second chances. So let’s give Marko his, so the poor kid can get back to work, operating in the shadows to gut government programs in total secrecy.
Yours in shared values,
J.D. Vance