I Bet I'm Not Looking So Bad Right About Now, Am I? By Mark Zuckerberg

A nation turns its lonely eyes to Zuck

Hello! Mark Zuckerberg here. Lovely day, isn't it? I've heard some nasty rumors that the CEO of another social networking company, one that's named after the sound a bird makes, is hemorrhaging money and eroding the public's trust and interest in the business he just paid $44 billion for. That's a shame, because I'm a big believer in competition, or at least that's what I tell Congress once or twice a year. But it's a wonderful, if not entirely unexpected, surprise to see the good users of America come crawling back to their favorite social media overlord.

Billion-dollar acquisitions are difficult, right? We've all been there. But wow, guys. These are what my fencing coach at Exeter would call "unforced errors." Last weekend, the CEO I speak of took a break from antagonizing half the country and watching the World Cup with the Saudis and Jared Kushner to ban the sharing of links to other social media platforms. That's a move I’ve thought of, sure, but I don't do it. This guy has to be the dumbest rocket scientist ever.

You and I, on the other hand, go way back. You've literally seen me grow up and go through my awkward stage, like the Cambridge Analytica mishap. And we have fun! Remember the surfing with the American flag on July 4th? That was so cool. How about when I was "smoking these meats?" Hahaha. Hilarious. And the sunscreen picture? Did it on purpose, for your guys' enjoyment. Because that's how we are. You give me a little crap, I leverage your data and attention and build a trillion-dollar corporation. It's kind of our thing.

The electric car man is all over the place. He posted a poll to his social media site a couple days ago, asking whether he should step down as CEO. First of all, savvy move to hold a supposedly consequential vote on a service that you wholly control and manipulate. Well done, really. But also – step down? Willingly? To quote King George from my 5 year-old’s favorite play, Hamilton, "I wasn't aware that was something a person could do."

Here’s what I can promise you at Facebook: I’m not going anywhere. And we WILL be cloning the bird site. I instructed our product team to take a pause from “borrowing” Snapchat and TikTok’s features and make this our top priority. Expect something by late Q1 2023. Also, I vow to keep my politics opaque, just as you like it.

Last thing: I think it’s high time for Aaron Sorkin to write a sequel to The Social Network. Only this time, I’m the good guy. Zuck is the hero. We’ll leave out the Winklevii, because they lost their fortune in Bitcoin, and because Armie Hammer eats people or something. But the rest of the story basically writes itself, don’t you think?

Anyway, welcome back to Facebook. I am here for you. I’ll always be here for you. And it’s going to be all right.

Mark Zuckerberg

CEO, Meta Platforms, Inc.

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Thanks for reading! This is the third of three four humor essays I’m going to write before the end of the year. If you liked this one, please subscribe below, and you’ll receive them in your inbox.